Not Good Enough
Think about the last time you made a mistake, encountered a setback or a challenge. What was the your intimidate reaction to it?
Did you hear a voice in your head saying "all good sweetheart, not a big deal... this things happen, you did the best you could, you are still awesome and have what it takes to try again" or did you hear a voice telling you "that was stupid. What were you thinking?! not good enough!"?
Working with women in different contexts, I have noticed how quickly women tend to make shame based meaning which sit on the level of their identity and who they are as a person, rather than behaviour. Who I am is not good enough, smart enough, capable enough, special enough as opposed to what I did.
I see this plays out with my children. When they get in trouble, One is very quick to conclude that there is something wrong with who they are, whereas the other, my 10yo boy, says it’s because what he did.
Shame based meaning making is the # 1 barrier which keeps women playing small. The issue with shame-based meanings is that it cuts us off from the power to create a different outcome. These stories and interpretations about ourselves, others, and life create a fixed mindset and shut down possibilities for growth. It's like an unconscious story that keeps looping in our heads, from which we filter information, make decisions, choices and show up in the same way which creates more evidence for these stories being true.
Many of the strategies in traditional coaching are focused on behaviour change, developing skills and capacities, and holding accountabilities. These are valuable, however, the number one barrier to women at the level of self-actualisation is not a lack of information, motivation, willpower, or accountability. Instead, it exists on a level of identity.
When I started my transformation coaching journey and through Dr Claire Zammit's work, I really saw examples for how this sense of “who I am”, and what is possible for me, shapes my expectations, choices and behaviours. It determines how we show up and how we respond to others, often without realising it. All of these things that we struggle to create are outside of who we currently know ourselves to be, and unless we address these fixed mindset beliefs, it’s going to be almost impossible to make these higher possibilities manifest in our lives.
I love this quote by Carl Jung: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”…
Feeling 'not good enough' or making shame based meanings is not the problem. Not having an empowered relationship with this pattern and the disconnection from own resources is what places us inside a world of unconscious meaning about who we are, who others are, and what is or isn’t possible in our lives. This is the number one obstacle for women who want to create at the level of self-actualisation.
As a coach, my role is to support you to be cultivating, growing and developing the power to create your pathway to fully realise your potential.
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